Hey, Foreigner
I was rearranging a few items up at the front of the store when a woman nearby lifted up a shirt and, not looking at me, mumbled something rather quickly. I wasn't entirely sure she'd been speaking to me, and I certainly hadn't heard what she said, so I responded with a quick: "Pardon?"
She looked at me long and hard, then twitched a bit of her lip up into a sneer and spoke very slowly and clearly.
"Do you even speak ENGLISH?"
Hey, Musical Foreigner
I was filling in for a cashier and had a short line. The old woman I was helping had a very large box of CDs, mostly classical, but one or two classic jazz singers, such as Ella Fitzgerald. She grabbed the Ella CD and whipped around to the black woman in line behind her, thrusting it in her face.
"THIS IS YOUR HERITAGE!"
The woman simply nodded and smiled. "Yes. Yes it is."
Old lady whipped back around to me.
"What's YOUR heritage?"
"Er, personally? French, Italian, and Ukrainian."
Her face crinkled up in delight, though her tone was still definitely in the imperative.
"OH! You must LOVE Pah-tcho-bel's Canon!!"
Bible Man
For a delightfully long number of days, there was a DVD on our shelves titled only "Bible Man." Having carefully observed the cover, watched the online tralier, and studied the blurb on the back, I have deduced that Bible Man is roughly what would happen if Batman lost the pointy ears and declared himself Holy Roman Emperor. Clad in gleaming gold breastplate with purple accents and protected, amongst other items, by the "Shins of Peace," he battles the forces of anything not included in the Bible.
They never mention any actual superpowers. I presume they include "Being Really Strong" and "Not Being Scared of Shit," and possibly, in later incarnations, "Extreme Sense of Righteousness." In the Wikipedia article, it notes that some critics argue that Bible Man teaches intolerance towards those with different beliefs and opinions, notably showing such offenders as "graphically melted or blown up."
Pish tush. Harmless child's play.
The Secret Museum of What-the-Fuckery
Also discovered on our shelves was a large, dusty, distinctly old-smelling book entitled The Secret Museum of Man. I guess I should allow a bit of leeway for the fact that it was first published in 1942, but it seems remarkably backward, even for then.
For instance, a passage on Arabs:
"Dignity of presence and of manner the Arab possesses in good measure, but of the dignity of labour he has no idea. He deems it more consistent with his masculine importance to sit in stately indolence among his peers, enjoying the soothing influence of tobacco smoke cooled in the hookah set before him where he watches the activity of the rest of the human swarm."
And that's one of the milder ones. Generally speaking, the scientific method used by these early anthropologists seems to run as thus:
Hypothesis: You're ugly.
Procedure: 1) Take a good, hard look. 2) Apply my opinions.
Conclusion: You're ugly.
Love Jesus
or he will FUCKING KILL YOU.
I was rearranging a few items up at the front of the store when a woman nearby lifted up a shirt and, not looking at me, mumbled something rather quickly. I wasn't entirely sure she'd been speaking to me, and I certainly hadn't heard what she said, so I responded with a quick: "Pardon?"
She looked at me long and hard, then twitched a bit of her lip up into a sneer and spoke very slowly and clearly.
"Do you even speak ENGLISH?"
Hey, Musical Foreigner
I was filling in for a cashier and had a short line. The old woman I was helping had a very large box of CDs, mostly classical, but one or two classic jazz singers, such as Ella Fitzgerald. She grabbed the Ella CD and whipped around to the black woman in line behind her, thrusting it in her face.
"THIS IS YOUR HERITAGE!"
The woman simply nodded and smiled. "Yes. Yes it is."
Old lady whipped back around to me.
"What's YOUR heritage?"
"Er, personally? French, Italian, and Ukrainian."
Her face crinkled up in delight, though her tone was still definitely in the imperative.
"OH! You must LOVE Pah-tcho-bel's Canon!!"
Bible Man
For a delightfully long number of days, there was a DVD on our shelves titled only "Bible Man." Having carefully observed the cover, watched the online tralier, and studied the blurb on the back, I have deduced that Bible Man is roughly what would happen if Batman lost the pointy ears and declared himself Holy Roman Emperor. Clad in gleaming gold breastplate with purple accents and protected, amongst other items, by the "Shins of Peace," he battles the forces of anything not included in the Bible.
They never mention any actual superpowers. I presume they include "Being Really Strong" and "Not Being Scared of Shit," and possibly, in later incarnations, "Extreme Sense of Righteousness." In the Wikipedia article, it notes that some critics argue that Bible Man teaches intolerance towards those with different beliefs and opinions, notably showing such offenders as "graphically melted or blown up."
Pish tush. Harmless child's play.
The Secret Museum of What-the-Fuckery
Also discovered on our shelves was a large, dusty, distinctly old-smelling book entitled The Secret Museum of Man. I guess I should allow a bit of leeway for the fact that it was first published in 1942, but it seems remarkably backward, even for then.
For instance, a passage on Arabs:
"Dignity of presence and of manner the Arab possesses in good measure, but of the dignity of labour he has no idea. He deems it more consistent with his masculine importance to sit in stately indolence among his peers, enjoying the soothing influence of tobacco smoke cooled in the hookah set before him where he watches the activity of the rest of the human swarm."
And that's one of the milder ones. Generally speaking, the scientific method used by these early anthropologists seems to run as thus:
Hypothesis: You're ugly.
Procedure: 1) Take a good, hard look. 2) Apply my opinions.
Conclusion: You're ugly.
Love Jesus
or he will FUCKING KILL YOU.
